Now, I just have to get through this round of side effects... Just have to handle a few stomach issues, a bit of bone pain, a touch of fatigue, some minor headaches, and whatever else may come my way. But, since this is the LAST time I should have to feel these things, I will be smiling knowing this is it.
And what do I see in my near future... I see me:
Celebrating at the lake with my family over Labor Day
Training for a 1/2 marathon which I'll run in November
Wakeboarding at the lake the second weekend of September
Riding my bike 15 miles in the Tour de BBQ on October 1st
Going to Hermann for Octoberfest
Traveling to Atlanta in October for a wedding
Watching football, maybe even going to a Chiefs game (if I get free tickets somehow, not sure I wanna pay for that after seeing their pre-season games)
Losing the 20 pounds I have gained from taking steroids
Going to some Staley soccer and football games to watch my students play
FEELING MYSELF!
And all of that will be in the next two months! Now, THAT is me! The last year I have been missing my energy and my desire to do things more that anyone can imagine. It feels so good just making plans again, and not having to wait and see how I will feel. Maybe one might think that I'm overdoing it, coming back too strong. But, to be honest, this is me somewhat holding back. I used to have so much energy, and I just know it's about to come flooding back. I need to do something to put it at bay!
I'm done! Done with chemo! I'll still have to go the cancer center every three weeks for infusions of Herceptin- but it ain't chemo, and that's all I care about! My hair will grow back, my energy will increase, my bones will stop aching, and my stomach, my poor stomach, will have time to heal! I should have a huge party! Oh, wait, I did that! :)
School is starting back up and I am looking forward to my students coming back! A few have already been texting me, so I think they are excited as well! It has been great to reconnect with fellow teachers and friends this last week as well. I'm really excited for this year!
I have to say I was kinda in a slump before getting diagnosed. I didn't know if I'd stay in KC, I was getting bored of running and biking the SAME trails, I was getting easily upset with my students, and I was overall not feeling myself. Well, now that I know it was because I had this massive tumor growing, it all makes sense. Now, I CAN'T wait to run and bike the SAME trails!!! I can't wait to see my kids and watch them grow and learn this year!! I can't wait to FEEL GOOD! And, last but not least, I am so excited to be in Kansas City with all of the love and support I feel from my family and friends. Crazy what perspective can do!
So, take it from me. Look around you and acknowledge the things that make you happy AND the things you don't even realize that make you happy. Smile at the co-worker walking down that hall even if you're having a bad day. Go out of your way to be nice to people who you know would be there for you in a time of need, and the ones who you think might not. Kindness is so powerful and it makes people feel so good, why don't we use it more? I simply don't understand the idea of trying to hurt someone! Perhaps it is our own insecurities that bring this behavior out of us. This week I witnessed a few spiteful conversations, and I just smiled and walked away.
When you get something like Cancer, these trivialities just don't matter. All of a sudden, life is what matters. And we strive to surround ourselves with the people we most love and the activities we most enjoy. I have learned that, not only from my experience, but from talking to other Cancer patients in the Center. There is a calm there, a love so strong from these other patients. Maybe I'm sounding way to "preachy" here, so sorry about that. Maybe it's because I just had the best time surrounding myself around 5 other great people, playing cards and laughing! I only get glimpses of my old self here and again and tonight I felt BACK. I felt almost healthy. Steroids help me feel that way, for a few short hours. When I'm in this state, I find the love around and think, this world is pretty cool, but our actions could make it so much better!
So, my advice... Find someone this week who needs a bit of kindness. Maybe someone you don't often speak with, but should. Don't do it for yourself though, make it all about that other person. In return you'll end up feeling better, but the intentions have to be solely about the other person.
I have a quick few... I want to thank my parents publicly for taking me to every Chemo treatment (we are at 19 now over a period of 5 months). They not only stayed and drove me home, my dad filled my gas tank every week, while my mom stayed with me until I woke up from my long "after chemo naps" to make sure I was okay. They dedicated their time and changed all of their plans. They made me first in their lives for these days and I appreciate that more than they realize. Meanwhile my brother and sister-law happily changed their plans to make this work. Then they cooked all of the time for me!
I also want to thank my Cancer Sucks Team! The kindness I received there was amazing. I had people fly from Colorado and Chicago to walk, and I had people drive from outside Manhattan KS to walk. Plus, a million thanks to everyone else who came and shared this time. I also have to mention my profound gratitude for all of the donations I received- some from people I have never met before who are living in Australia! I also thank all of the out of town people who called or e-mailed me good thoughts and abundant wishes that they could have been here with us. Everything meant so much to me and thinking about all of this support brings tears to my eyes, and I know it brings tears to my family's eyes. Thank you all for being such a huge part of my life!
And finally today C.C. ran up to me with two horse toys. They were pink and blue. She was jumping up and down telling me these horses have caner. I looked a bit confused until she pointed out they were hairless. I smiled and agreed. Now I had horses to play with. That was very kind, in a 5 year old way. She was happy, as she jumped into my world to play, trying her best to understand this world. If a 5 year old can make cancer "accepting and fun" then we can all find a little something to say or to do to lighten someone else's world!
Market in Indonesia
Train Station in Burma
Gathering water together in Nepal
Just Lovin Life in China
Okay, I'm off to bed. I have included a few of my travel pictures above. They remind me of kindness, not sure why, but they do! If you can't see it, just blame it on all of the medication I have to take. :)
The Susan G. Komem walk is tomorrow morning, starting at 7:15.
Below are my team shirts!
If you are walking the race, and see anyone in these shirts, feel free to join in, high five, or harass!
I have a team meeting spot in Washington Park, which is just east of Crown Center. My team will be meeting on the south east side of the park, right on Grand Blvd. We will be there at 7:15 a.m... From there we will walk to the start and line up for the mile walk (or the 5K run).
After the walk, the party will begin at my house. Follow the black shirts to the correct place!
She wasn't happy about her birthday hat, but loves her pink bird
Happy Birthday Sante! My wonderful dog celebrated her 6th birthday today with a huge bone and a pink bird. She had a run in the park, a nap on my bed, and a lot of love. She has it good....
Throughout my life it seems as if I have always lacked fear. Is that genetic? Do I not have the fear gene? That would be really ironic to have the cancer gene, but not the fear gene... Or maybe it's because I live my life thinking that everything will always work out. Whatever the case, I have a few examples of how I grew up lacking fear.
1) When I was about 4 or 5 I took it upon myself to try and protect the house while my father was gone on his trips. Although I was the youngest, for some reason I thought I'd be the one to rid the house of any robbers who might enter. Since my bedroom looked out to the stairs, I figured I'd be the only person who could see the robber actually coming to the upstairs bedrooms. I would sit in my bed staring at the stairs for as long as I could. My Plan: While the so called robber was climbing the stairs, I would run from my bed, jump over the railing, and land on his head. I thought for sure that would do it. I was confident and ready.
2) I began swimming at a very early age. Very early. I thought I was good! I simply watched my older brother and learned from his moves. He was a good teacher. See below..
And yes, I was missing the top of my swimming suit. I wasn't afraid, it made me swim faster, or so I thought!
3) AS I grew up, I began my travels. I could be dropped in any third world country, take the public transportation, and live like a local. It wasn't always pleasant, but it was educational...
4) On my very first journey completely alone, something magical happened. I was visiting a dear friend in Croatia for a few days while I was traveling in Europe. I had been with another friend who had to get back to France quickly for a class she was taking. I decided that instead of flying with her, I'd say a few extra days and take the train. I wanted to see and spend a few days in Slovenia and Switzerland. It would be my first time traveling outside of the US completely alone. I was 22 years-old. My first mistake was that I took a late afternoon train, putting me in Ljubljana (the capital) at 11:30 p.m. That meant a few things, no bank to exchange money and therefore no taxi to take me somewhere. I stepped out into the darkness and tried to get onto a local bus. I had a book with a map that showed me where a few hostels were, so I thought I'd just ask the bus driver to drop me off- without me paying. Easy, right? Yes, actually yes. The bus driver took pity on me when I tried to give him a crisp US dollar. He shook his head and pulled out the local currency and pointed. I shrugged and tried handing him the dollar again. He finally relinquished and let me on, without taking my dollar. I showed him my map, and pointed to some places. He nodded, and pointed to a place, outside of the city, which actually had a few hostels. I nodded and sat down. I was smiling and proud, this was easy.
When the bus driver dropped me off, I was in front of a lone bar. A very loud and drunken bar. I walked in with my huge backpack on and went to the bar. "FULL" the lady said. I stared at her, "FULL" she said again as she swayed side to side with a shot in her hand. I just stood there. "FULL!!!!" she said louder, after swigging the shot. I walked out.
My heart was pounding at this point, I guess I had finally gotten a little nervous. I looked in the book and saw that there was another place about a mile away. It was dark and I was by a highway. Nothing was in sight. I walked. When I finally arrived the place was closed down. Windows broken, doors boarded up, the works. I quickly took out my book and saw another place about a mile and a half away. I walked. It also was closed. I sat by the street and tried to think. There was one last place listed on this street, but it was about 3 miles away and it was very late by now. Suddenly I saw the bus. The driver recognized me and picked me up, even though it was not a bus stop. He was waving his hands and shaking his head. He made it clear I was not in the safest neighborhood, but I already knew that. He took me the 3 miles to the last place. It was still in business. I sighed a sigh of relief and tried opening the door. LOCKED! I tried buzzing the front desk. CRICKETS. I tried for 30 minutes. Have I mentioned yet that it was raining? Yep, this whole time it had been raining so I was soaked head to toe. I tried to find something with an overhang to rest under, but nothing. I sat on the stairs, wondering what I should do next.
After a while I saw headlights. The car pulled into the parking lot and parked. A very old couple got out of the car. The elderly man was using a walker and it took the couple a while to reach the steps where I was sitting. When they saw me they were very concerned and surprised. They spoke to me... in German. I tried English. They tried French... I tried Spanish. In the end, we couldn't communicate with words. I put my hands to my head and pretended to sleep. I buzzed the buzzer and raised my hands in confusion. They understood. The lady motioned for me to wait and went into the building. The man kept trying to talk, I had no idea what he was saying. I took a guess, "I'm from USA". He got it, huge smile. He made a fist and started saying USA, USA, USA and laughed. I smiled.
After what seemed like forever the lady came back, alone. Huh? I was sure she would have gotten me help, perhaps by getting the check in person. She exchanged words with her husband and after a bit they were agreeing to something.
They motioned me to follow them inside. I did. They took me down some winding halls and opened the door to their room. I stood in the hall. They took their pillows and blankets and made me a bed on the floor. I just stood there. The room was VERY small, so when they were done, they motioned for me to come in and they pointed to the tiny the bed on the floor and made the sleeping gesture. The elderly man pointed where to place my backpack, and he made the brushing teeth gesture and sent me to the bathroom. They pointed me to the floor, smiled, and said in perfect English "Good Night" and then they both giggled.
As I was lying on that floor, I was so thankful to be out of the rain and off the streets. I was overwhelmed by these people, who didn't even know my name. My heart was still pounding and I knew, right then, that I was being protected by something. It had all worked out, and I was taught one of the greatest lessons in humanity that I have ever learned. After a long while, I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning I awoke to the couple gesturing to eat. They were already dressed and heading out the door. They pointed down the hall and gestured eating again. The man pointed to the shower, then pointed to the hall. I understood. I quickly showered, and dressed. I found the dining room easily, but the couple were nowhere in sight. A waitress came up and asked if I was with the elderly couple. She spoke perfect English. She led me to a table and brought me an amazing breakfast! I sat, alone, and ate every bit of it. When I asked the lady how much I had to pay, she informed me that the couple had already taken care of it. I asked her for a favor. She was skeptical. I asked for paper and a pen. She smiled and went to get them. When she came back I wrote a heartfelt thank you note to a couple who wouldn't understand a word of it. I then asked the lady if she would be so kind as to translate the note for the couple when they returned. She read it, looked at me, and thoughtfully agreed.
This night was probably one of the best nights I have ever had.
So, why am I writing about this? I don't know. Maybe because the memory comes to me often in hard times. It reminds me that at some point, someone will come and open the door. I have never really had much fear, but cancer scares me. I am almost done with my chemo, almost ready to get back to the bigger and better me, and a part of me fears that this could happen all over again. But, when this thought comes to mind, I picture myself standing in the rain on the side of the road in Ljubljana wondering what the future would hold. And, I remember, that something is watching over me. So, I look the fear in the face and wonder what will be waiting for me on the other side of the door, once I get there.
