Bye Bye Blog...

So, I have gone back and forth about what to do with this blog. Continue it? End it? Start a whole new non-cancer blog? Let it sit? And, well, I finally decided.... to end it.

Although my fight is far from over, (a year more of Herceptin infusions every three weeks, five years of taking anti- hormone medicine, numerous more visits to my oncologist, scans, labs, eventually the removal of my ovaries, and whatever else I don't know about yet) I know (and hope and pray) that the hard part is over! And to be honest, this blog gave me something to do when I was too sick to leave the house or too awake to get some sleep. It helped me make sense of what I was going through and it kept me thinking and wondering about the world around me. Originally I started it as a way to inform my family and friends about what was going on. I thought it was for all of you out there! Then, somewhere along the way, I realized it was for me. Writing gave me peace. It helped me to look for inspiration when I could hardly lift my head. It allowed me to stay connected to the world and to all of the people I love without having to leave my house. It made me smile.

So, now, I can lift my head and I'm lifting it high! I can leave my house, and there isn't a day when I don't. I feel like I want to move on from this journey, archive it along with all of my travel journeys. As I look over on my shelf, right next to my computer, I see my eight hand-written journals filled to the brim with my travel writings. I always kept a journal while on the road. I was always writing. This blog is no different. I might not have been "on the road" but I was/am on a very long and spiritual journey.

Whenever I returned home from one of my ventures mentioned above, I always thought I would continue the writing. I always intended and wanted to continue my journals. I never did. Not one of those eight books has an entry once I hit American soil. That is why I knew I had to end this blog. I had to officially end it. I have to say goodbye because that means I'm forever saying goodbye to cancer as well! With that said, I hope to hell I never have to start this blog up again!

SO, a huge thank you to everyone out there that hung on with me. It means so much! I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to help me through these last 10 months!

Oh, and the "Cancer Sucks" team will re-unite next August for the Komen walk. :) Yes, I will have another party!

Living!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwxeW8pusVA

Love what you do. Do what you love!

Check out the link...

No More Chemo

Officially finished with chemo! Done!

Now, I just have to get through this round of side effects... Just have to handle a few stomach issues, a bit of bone pain, a touch of fatigue, some minor headaches, and whatever else may come my way. But, since this is the LAST time I should have to feel these things, I will be smiling knowing this is it.


And what do I see in my near future... I see me:

Celebrating at the lake with my family over Labor Day
Training for a 1/2 marathon which I'll run in November
Wakeboarding at the lake the second weekend of September
Riding my bike 15 miles in the Tour de BBQ on October 1st
Going to Hermann for Octoberfest
Traveling to Atlanta in October for a wedding
Watching football, maybe even going to a Chiefs game (if I get free tickets somehow, not sure I wanna pay for that after seeing their pre-season games)
Losing the 20 pounds I have gained from taking steroids
Going to some Staley soccer and football games to watch my students play
FEELING MYSELF!

And all of that will be in the next two months! Now, THAT is me! The last year I have been missing my energy and my desire to do things more that anyone can imagine. It feels so good just making plans again, and not having to wait and see how I will feel. Maybe one might think that I'm overdoing it, coming back too strong. But, to be honest, this is me somewhat holding back. I used to have so much energy, and I just know it's about to come flooding back. I need to do something to put it at bay!

Here's to no more chemo!!!!

Next Friday the 26th....

I'm done! Done with chemo! I'll still have to go the cancer center every three weeks for infusions of Herceptin- but it ain't chemo, and that's all I care about! My hair will grow back, my energy will increase, my bones will stop aching, and my stomach, my poor stomach, will have time to heal! I should have a huge party! Oh, wait, I did that! :)

School is starting back up and I am looking forward to my students coming back! A few have already been texting me, so I think they are excited as well! It has been great to reconnect with fellow teachers and friends this last week as well. I'm really excited for this year!

I have to say I was kinda in a slump before getting diagnosed. I didn't know if I'd stay in KC, I was getting bored of running and biking the SAME trails, I was getting easily upset with my students, and I was overall not feeling myself. Well, now that I know it was because I had this massive tumor growing, it all makes sense. Now, I CAN'T wait to run and bike the SAME trails!!! I can't wait to see my kids and watch them grow and learn this year!! I can't wait to FEEL GOOD! And, last but not least, I am so excited to be in Kansas City with all of the love and support I feel from my family and friends. Crazy what perspective can do!

So, take it from me. Look around you and acknowledge the things that make you happy AND the things you don't even realize that make you happy. Smile at the co-worker walking down that hall even if you're having a bad day. Go out of your way to be nice to people who you know would be there for you in a time of need, and the ones who you think might not. Kindness is so powerful and it makes people feel so good, why don't we use it more? I simply don't understand the idea of trying to hurt someone! Perhaps it is our own insecurities that bring this behavior out of us. This week I witnessed a few spiteful conversations, and I just smiled and walked away.

When you get something like Cancer, these trivialities just don't matter. All of a sudden, life is what matters. And we strive to surround ourselves with the people we most love and the activities we most enjoy. I have learned that, not only from my experience, but from talking to other Cancer patients in the Center. There is a calm there, a love so strong from these other patients. Maybe I'm sounding way to "preachy" here, so sorry about that. Maybe it's because I just had the best time surrounding myself around 5 other great people, playing cards and laughing! I only get glimpses of my old self here and again and tonight I felt BACK. I felt almost healthy. Steroids  help me feel that way, for a few short hours. When I'm in this state, I find the love around and think, this world is pretty cool, but our actions could make it so much better!

So, my advice... Find someone this week who needs a bit of kindness. Maybe someone you don't often speak with, but should. Don't do it for yourself though, make it all about that other person. In return you'll end up feeling better, but the intentions have to be solely about the other person.

I have a quick few... I want to thank my parents publicly for taking me to every Chemo treatment (we are at 19 now over a period of 5 months). They not only stayed and drove me home, my dad filled my gas tank every week, while my mom stayed with me until I woke up from my long "after chemo naps" to make sure I was okay. They dedicated their time and changed all of their plans. They made me first in their lives for these days and I appreciate that more than they realize. Meanwhile my brother and sister-law happily changed their plans to make this work. Then they cooked all of the time for me!

I also want to thank my Cancer Sucks Team! The kindness I received there was amazing. I had people fly from Colorado and Chicago to walk, and I had people drive from outside Manhattan KS to walk. Plus, a million thanks to everyone else who came and shared this time. I also have to mention my profound gratitude for all of the donations I received- some from people I have never met before who are living in Australia! I also thank all of the out of town people who called or e-mailed me good thoughts and abundant wishes that they could have been here with us. Everything meant so much to me and thinking about all of this support brings tears to my eyes, and I know it brings tears to my family's eyes. Thank you all for being such a huge part of my life!

And finally today C.C. ran up to me with two horse toys. They were pink and blue. She was jumping up and down telling me these horses have caner. I looked a bit confused until she pointed out they were hairless. I smiled and agreed. Now I had horses to play with. That was very kind, in a 5 year old way. She was happy, as she jumped into my world to play, trying her best to understand this world. If a 5 year old can make cancer "accepting and fun" then we can all find a little something to say or to do to lighten someone else's world!

Market in Indonesia 

Train Station in Burma

Gathering water together in Nepal

Just Lovin Life in China

Okay, I'm off to bed. I have included a few of my travel pictures above. They remind me of kindness, not sure why, but they do! If you can't see it, just blame it on all of the medication I have to take. :)

The Pictures Say It All

Part of the "Cancer Sucks" team- we had over 70 people in total!

Erin and Amy- just a few months ago we were all in the hospital!

Tomorrow has Come

The Susan G. Komem walk is tomorrow morning, starting at 7:15.

Below are my team shirts!

If you are walking the race, and see anyone in these shirts, feel free to join in, high five, or harass! 

I have a team meeting spot in Washington Park, which is just east of Crown Center. My team will be meeting on the south east side of the park, right on Grand Blvd. We will be there at 7:15 a.m... From there we will walk to the start and line up for the mile walk (or the 5K run). 

After the walk, the party will begin at my house. Follow the black shirts to the correct place!

Looking forward to seeing everyone!

For Sante...

She smiled for the camera

She wasn't happy about her birthday hat, but loves her pink bird

Happy Birthday Sante! My wonderful dog celebrated her 6th birthday today with a huge bone and a pink bird. She had a run in the park, a nap on my bed, and a lot of love. She has it good....

Fear

Throughout my life it seems as if I have always lacked fear. Is that genetic? Do I not have the fear gene? That would be really ironic to have the cancer gene, but not the fear gene... Or maybe it's because I live my life thinking that everything will always work out. Whatever the case, I have a few examples of how I grew up lacking fear.

1) When I was about 4 or 5 I took it upon myself to try and protect the house while my father was gone on his trips. Although I was the youngest, for some reason I thought I'd be the one to rid the house of any robbers who might enter. Since my bedroom looked out to the stairs, I figured I'd be the only person who could see the robber actually coming to the upstairs bedrooms. I would sit in my bed staring at the stairs for as long as I could. My Plan: While the so called robber was climbing the stairs, I would run from my bed, jump over the railing, and land on his head. I thought for sure that would do it. I was confident and ready.

2) I began swimming at a very early age. Very early. I thought I was good! I simply watched my older brother and learned from his moves. He was a good teacher. See below..

And yes, I was missing the top of my swimming suit. I wasn't afraid, it made me swim faster, or so I thought!

3) AS I grew up, I began my travels. I could be dropped in any third world country, take the public transportation, and live like a local. It wasn't always pleasant, but it was educational...

4) On my very first journey completely alone, something magical happened. I was visiting a dear friend in Croatia for a few days while I was traveling in Europe. I had been with another friend who had to get back to France quickly for a class she was taking. I decided that instead of flying with her, I'd say a few extra days and take the train. I wanted to see and spend a few days in Slovenia and Switzerland. It would be my first time traveling outside of the US completely alone. I was 22 years-old. My first mistake was that I took a late afternoon train, putting me in Ljubljana (the capital) at 11:30 p.m. That meant a few things, no bank to exchange money and therefore no taxi to take me somewhere. I stepped out into the darkness and tried to get onto a local bus. I had a book with a map that showed me where a few hostels were, so I thought I'd just ask the bus driver to drop me off- without me paying. Easy, right? Yes, actually yes. The bus driver took pity on me when I tried to give him a crisp US dollar. He shook his head and pulled out the local currency and pointed. I shrugged and tried handing him the dollar again. He finally relinquished and let me on, without taking my dollar. I showed him my map, and pointed to some places. He nodded, and pointed to a place, outside of the city, which actually had a few hostels. I nodded and sat down. I was smiling and proud, this was easy.

When the bus driver dropped me off, I was in front of a lone bar. A very loud and drunken bar. I walked in with my huge backpack on and went to the bar. "FULL" the lady said. I stared at her, "FULL" she said again as she swayed side to side with a shot in her hand. I just stood there. "FULL!!!!" she said louder, after swigging the shot. I walked out.

My heart was pounding at this point, I guess I had finally gotten a little nervous. I looked in the book and saw that there was another place about a mile away. It was dark and I was by a highway. Nothing was in sight. I walked. When I finally arrived the place was closed down. Windows broken, doors boarded up, the works. I quickly took out my book and saw another place about a mile and a half away. I walked. It also was closed. I sat by the street and tried to think. There was one last place listed on this street, but it was about 3 miles away and it was very late by now. Suddenly I saw the bus. The driver recognized me and picked me up, even though it was not a bus stop. He was waving his hands and shaking his head. He made it clear I was not in the safest neighborhood, but I already knew that. He took me the 3 miles to the last place. It was still in business. I sighed a sigh of relief and tried opening the door. LOCKED! I tried buzzing the front desk. CRICKETS. I tried for 30 minutes. Have I mentioned yet that it was raining? Yep, this whole time it had been raining so I was soaked head to toe. I tried to find something with an overhang to rest under, but nothing. I sat on the stairs, wondering what I should do next. 

After a while I saw headlights. The car pulled into the parking lot and parked. A very old couple got out of the car. The elderly man was using a walker and it took the couple a while to reach the steps where I was sitting. When they saw me they were very concerned and surprised. They spoke to me... in German. I tried English. They tried French... I tried Spanish. In the end, we couldn't communicate with words. I put my hands to my head and pretended to sleep. I buzzed the buzzer and raised my hands in confusion. They understood. The lady motioned for me to wait and went into the building. The man kept trying to talk, I had no idea what he was saying. I took a guess, "I'm from USA". He got it, huge smile. He made a fist and started saying USA, USA, USA and laughed. I smiled.

After what seemed like forever the lady came back, alone. Huh? I was sure she would have gotten me help, perhaps by getting the check in person. She exchanged words with her husband and after a bit they were agreeing to something. 

They motioned me to follow them inside. I did. They took me down some winding halls and opened the door to their room. I stood in the hall. They took their pillows and blankets and made me a bed on the floor. I just stood there. The room was VERY small, so when they were done, they motioned for me to come in and they pointed to the tiny the bed on the floor and made the sleeping gesture. The elderly man pointed where to place my backpack, and he made the brushing teeth gesture and sent me to the bathroom. They pointed me to the floor, smiled, and said in perfect English "Good Night" and then they both giggled.

As I was lying on that floor, I was so thankful to be out of the rain and off the streets. I was overwhelmed by these people, who didn't even know my name. My heart was still pounding and I knew, right then, that I was being protected by something. It had all worked out, and I was taught one of the greatest lessons in humanity that I have ever learned. After a long while, I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I awoke to the couple gesturing to eat. They were already dressed and heading out the door. They pointed down the hall and gestured eating again. The man pointed to the shower, then pointed to the hall. I understood. I quickly showered, and dressed. I found the dining room easily, but the couple were nowhere in sight. A waitress came up and asked if I was with the elderly couple. She spoke perfect English. She led me to a table and brought me an amazing breakfast! I sat, alone, and ate every bit of it. When I asked the lady how much I had to pay, she informed me that the couple had already taken care of it. I asked her for a favor. She was skeptical. I asked for paper and a pen. She smiled and went to get them. When she came back I wrote a heartfelt thank you note to a couple who wouldn't understand a word of it. I then asked the lady if she would be so kind as to translate the note for the couple when they returned. She read it, looked at me, and thoughtfully agreed.

This night was probably one of the best nights I have ever had.

So, why am I writing about this? I don't know. Maybe because the memory comes to me often in hard times. It reminds me that at some point, someone will come and open the door. I have never really had much fear, but cancer scares me. I am almost done with my chemo, almost ready to get back to the bigger and better me, and a part of me fears that this could happen all over again. But, when this thought comes to mind, I picture myself standing in the rain on the side of the road in Ljubljana wondering what the future would hold. And, I remember, that something is watching over me. So, I look the fear in the face and wonder what will be waiting for me on the other side of the door, once I get there.

Last Call

Team registration for the Susan G. Komen race ends July 31st! This means that if you want to be part of my "Cancer Sucks" team you have to sign up on the Susan G. Komen page before the 31st...(if you haven't already) Just click on the link below and look for the tab on the right that says, "Join Heather Macintosh's Cancer Sucks team" 

Click here to go to the Susan G. Komen Page

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all of their support with not only this race, but with this entire year. I'm so excited to have a big party after the race to celebrate with all of you who live around the area. For those of you who don't live around here, or can't make it, I'll raise my apple juice to toast you along the way!!!

ON ANOTHER NOTE...

Tomorrow I'm off to Branson for a vacation! Can you believe I have never been to Branson?! I can't wait to see some shows, check out some sights, and chill with Amy (Brain tumor Amy). Yep, we are both just healthy enough to make the trip down and live it up.  Funny thing about it, neither of us will probably remember anything! My Chemo brain mixed with her memory issues from the tumor just means we can do the exact same trip next year! It would be just as new and exciting as it will be this time! Not to mention, we really don't run out of things to say to each other either, since we don't notice if the other is repeating the same stories over and over again! Just think, only five months ago we were both dealing with really scary tumors. Now, the tumors are gone and we can celebrate in Branson, MO with all the really old people!

If I can figure it out, I'll try and post some pictures while we are down there.

As of now, here are a few pictures of Amy and me on other trips...

Hiking in the Semien Mountains, Ethiopia

Tent camping in Baja California, Mexico

Biking 750 miles across Cuba! (We were and still are invincible)

Boating at the Lake of the Ozarks

So, Amy and I have this traveling thing under our belts.  Branson should be a piece of cake... even if we don't remember it!

Why Not?

It all started with this....

Then it went to this...

So, I thought to myself... why not?!

So, we'll see! I don't know if he will ever see it, but it was fun to make!

About the race, don't forget to sign up on the actual Susan G. Komen site by clicking on the pink link above. As for shirts, I have a running list if you want one. I have to put the order in by August 4th, so time is going quickly. I know they have youth smalls, for littler kids, but I'm in the process of figuring out if we can get T sizes... Adult shirts are 10.00 and youth small shirts are 6.00...

Make sure the kids have bathing suits as we will have small pools set up, and I might even get a fire truck here to unleash the hydrant. I'm also in the process of trying to get the street closed off for a few hours! I hope to see you all there to help me celebrate the fact I'm almost done with Chemo!!!!!!

I Forget...

Because I have been going through this whole cancer ordeal since December, I forget that I seem to stick out to the public. I have encountered some strange situations, am confused for a brief moment, then remember, and all is clear. I'll give a few examples....

1) I was pumping gas at Quick Trip a while back, staring at the pump wondering when the heck gas got soooo expensive, when I heard a scream from the other pump... "CANCER?" I looked over and saw a woman looking at me. I glanced around to make sure she was talking to me and nodded my head. "WHAT KIND?", she yelled. We were quite a distance apart, so I found that I had to yell also... "Breast." She nodded, took off her hat to reveal a short hair cut, and said, "OVARIAN, HAIR IS JUST GROWING BACK." With that was a small fist pump, and she was gone. I looked around, somewhat dazed but definitely smiling.

2) I went into a local cup cake place, Baby Cakes down in the River Market, to get some high class cup cakes one afternoon. As I walked in the owner gave me a big smile and we began talking flavors. I picked out three flavors, and as he got the case to put them in, he asked if this was my first trip to his shop. I said that it was. He then told me the cup cakes were on the house, added a forth one, and packed them up. As I was walking out he said, "With a smile like that you can beat anything." I thanked him again, and walked out, definitely smiling.

3) In Colorado I was looking at CU baseball hats. The sales woman came up and froze as I took off my hat to try on some CU hats. She instantly said I could have any hat for 50% off. I asked her if there was a sale going on, since there were no signs anywhere. She shrugged and said there used to be, but that I could still have the price. I ended up buying two hats and my friend and I walked out, definitely smiling.

4) The other day I had an appointment for a massage, a 90 minute massage, and I couldn't wait! My surgeon said I was really tight in my neck and that I should get one as soon as I could. So, I made the appointment and was looking forward to it all day. I got to the place, filled out the usual forms and waited. The masseuse came out, pulled me into a room and asked if I was currently going through chemotherapy. I said that I was. She looked down and told me she could not work on me without a doctors note. I then said, "Okay, I'm not going through chemo." She smiled, and said she still couldn't do it. The massage could release too many toxins into my body and that could be dangerous. She said she was sorry and to come back with a note. I left, definitely NOT smiling.

5) I went over to play with my nieces yesterday, as they have been out of town the last few weeks. When I asked C.C. about the trip she said she got some new toy horses and she went to McDonalds three times. That was about all I could get out of her until both kids took me upstairs to "fix" my hair. Once my hair was done, I got some more information about their trip! See below for pictures.... 

Another Epic Thursday Night....

And we're back, to Thursday steroid night.

I don't think people really understand 48 hours of no sleep with unending energy. And, since I love to use visuals with my students to illustrate my points, I wanted to show a video. I saw this on another blog I read, and laughed out loud, then suddenly realized THIS IS ME.... in cat form.... on Thursday nights! Or at least, this is my brain on Steroids!

However, the 48 hours do come to an end. The video below illustrates how I feel when that happens...

I did just return from Colorado, in time for my treatments. I had an amazing time there, hanging with friends, eating good food (Sink pizza and The Dark Horse for those of you that know Boulder), driving around in the mountains, going to a few parties and gatherings, and buying CU stuff. It was the perfect getaway for me, and it showed in my pre chemo labs today . ALL of my numbers were better than last week- higher blood counts and platelets as well! My nurse said if I could improve so much with just a few days in altitude, then I should recover quickly when I'm done with treatments. So, very happy about that!

That brings me back to tonight. It's not even midnight yet, so I have a long way to go. I had dinner with some friends earlier (the Westside Local- amazing local and organic food. I highly recommend it!) and then they came over to entertain me for a few hours. Soon I'll be back to baking- monster cookies tonight- and some reading. I'm really into my book, so that will help.

As far as chemotherapy goes, only 6 more treatments left! I'm actually feeling like I am getting a bit stronger. I keep visualizing the biking and running I'll be doing come September. I can't wait to walk down the street without getting winded, much less ride the trails of Smithville Lake!  Soon!!!

I tried...

I really did try to stay off an airplane. I had great intentions of spending the entire summer in this area. I even accepted the idea. And I have stayed off all planes... until Saturday. But, it's a short flight- non-stop. Doesn't that count for something? I'm off to Boulder! I need that good old rocky mountain high, cooler air to breathe, mountains to gaze upon, memories of my college days to emerge, and of course conversations with some of my favorite people.

I just can't help but smile when I hear this song! The idea of going on this mini-vacation has been great for the soul, so I imagine once I get there it will revitalize me. Luckily I have some amazing people in my life who let me invite myself over for a few days and then welcome me with open arms. I'll post pictures while I'm there!

As for today, I completed round 5 of my 12 rounds of Taxol. So, it's another steroid night! Luckily I was I was able to meet two amazing grade school friends for dinner. Yep, grade school. We have know each other for over 25ish years! The best part about it, we can all sit around the table and talk about real life and what we are all going through. On the other hand, we can make each other laugh so hard we'll cry. I might not see these friends all of the time, but they are some of the most important and special people in my life! I guess if you can survive 5th-8th grade with someone, you can survive anything! :)

Well, that's it for now. I am feeling a bit tired, but that goes against a typical steroid night since it is only midnight. So, maybe I'll try and sleep? Or at least pretend for a while before getting up again to find something else to do....

p.s. Can you believe Casey Anthony is not guilty? Just had to say it....

Late Night Activities

Time 3:48 a.m.

Steroid night! But I was prepared.

First I made two homemade strawberry pies...

Then I made homemade banana muffins...

Then I watched a movie...

Now I'm writing this blog... But, gonna try and get some sleep as it is 4:00 a.m. and I am meeting someone for breakfast at 8:00. You might think that I would be too tired to do that, NOPE! I'll be wide awake. 

Saturday, however, I seem to really crash! Go figure...

p.s. don't forget to click on the pink link above to sign up to run/walk the Susan G. Komen walk with me. I'm getting a long list of t-shirt orders as well, so also let me know if you want one, if you haven't already. I'll order everything in about 3 weeks! Too bad this walk isn't at 2:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. I'd be able to run it at this rate!