Well, things are starting to fly now. Work has been crazy, doctor's appointments continue, and activities abound. What is strange is I feel like my healthy days are about to end (since I FEEL fine now), and the difficult months of feeling sick and exhausted are about to begin. But, in reality, I'm about to start down the path to cure my illness, not to end my healthiness. (deep, eh?:)
Anyhow, let me get to the point. My surgery is scheduled for February 11th. I will spend at least one night in the hospital, maybe two. Then I'll be out of work until March 7th, spending the following three + weeks recovering at home. After talking to my doctors and my family, it is looking like I won't be taking any visitors in the hospital. Apparently I'll be all drugged up and tired, with various tubes coming out from all parts of my skin. Although, I'm sure I would come up with some VERY entertaining tales during this period, which would entertain any type of audience, I'm gonna stick with seeing people once I get home. Plus, who wants to be in a hospital on a Friday night if they don't have to be? :)
Many people have asked how they can help and I have been so thankful for all of the love and support I have received. It seems weird to me to need help, again because I feel just fine now, but I know I will. I had dinner with one of my life long friends last night, and she has put together a care calendar for me. I kept trying to deter her from putting up too many dates, feeling guilty. She just looked at me and said, "Really, are you gonna make me say it?.... YOU HAVE CANCER" I laughed and suddenly remembered that tiny fact. I can always count on Courtney for the truth, and she has pushed me to do things I might not have wanted to do many times in our lives. I think we probably met in the crib and have grown up together since. I remember when we were about 7 and our families were on a skiing trip together. Courtney and I were on the top of the mountain when the binder on my left ski broke. I couldn't keep the ski on my foot for the life of me. Courtney and I sat on that mountain for a long time before she suddenly jumped up, grabbed my ski and told me she would meet me at the bottom of the mountain. And, she was off. I had nothing left to do but stand up and ski down the entire mountain on just the right ski! (I should have known then that I was a true snowboarder at heart!) When I reached the bottom, she handed me the ski, and we took off to find our parents as if nothing ever happened. She had helped me face the facts and challenged me to a task she knew I could complete. Well, she has taken the ski again, and I will get down this mountain- even if it might be hard! So, thanks Courtney, for being a part of my life for 37 years and for taking control of this calendar!
We have set up days where people can bring meals if they would like. Just log onto the link below and type in the Security Code. It will take you to the calendar. We will update it again in March adding more days, once I know when I'll be having my chemotherapy treatments. As of now, all I really know about is the surgery and recovery time from that.
Here is the website: (Or just click on the link at the top of the blog called Care Calendar)
http://carecalendar.org/logon/63900
Security Code: 8908
Thanks again everyone! I'll be in touch soon!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
MRI Results
Today my MRI results came back and it is good news. The radiologist didn't see any sign of cancer in my lymph nodes or in the right breast... whew, sigh of relief. We still won't know 100% about the lymph nodes until they test some of them during my surgery, but as least it appears to be good news.
I also found out that my tumor is ER-Positive and HER2-Positive. I'm just going to sum that up as I'll need to take LOTS of drugs this year, on top of Chemotherapy. However, I do know they are still testing the tumor to gather more information about the HER2 part. So, I'll get more details once I talk to my doctor again.
Tomorrow I'll see the plastic surgeon about my reconstruction. I'm wondering why every time I mention reconstruction everyone asks if I'll go ahead and augment, at least one size up. Huh? What are you all trying to say people? My doctor even let me know it would be free to size up if I want to! Not gonna happen, but I appreciate all the attempts at trying to convince me! ;)
That's all for today. I will say I have gotten some great websites from other friends and family who have gone through this. I read an entire message board today called- "I'm gonna go bald"- it made me laugh and realize there are so many women out there who have been through this. I raise my glass to these ladies and thank them for paving the way for the rest of us going through it now!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Cock Fight
Snow day! Number 4 this year. Can’t say that I’m complaining! But, I do have my MRI today and I was really nervous of how I’d get my car out of the snow! (It was totally covered and the plows threw all the snow around it as well) I thought it would take me a while to dig out of the 7+ inches of snow. I just looked out the window again and realized my neighbors not only cleared my car, and my walkway, but they also shoveled a pathway for my car to get out! I’m sooooo thankful and realize there is kindness all around! The world would be a better place if we all stopped and did something good to help our neighbors! THANK YOU, I appreciate it more than you will ever know! I also want to thank all of you for the kind thoughts and prayers. I know I’m on many of your prayer lists, and I appreciate that as well! I am still overwhelmed at all of the love, support and kindness coming my way!
So, guess I have some time to write an entry, since I don’t have to worry about my car. This one will be a bit different from the others. I’m going to try and get away from all this bad news and focus on trying to entertain. I have had a few conversations/e-mails recently that have got me thinking. One of my mom’s dear friends wrote me and asked if I am using what I have learned from my travels to help me. I didn’t even have to think about an answer because it was instinct- yes! All of my travels have taught me to embrace the unknown, not to fear it. Even though what I am facing now is far from what I would like to make known, I know somehow I will learn and grow from this experience. Of course there are days I’m really angry or sad, but there are days of calm as well.
I have books and books full of stories and entries from my travels, and I have never really shared any of them. I think it’s because once I return home, what I have experienced seems so far away. I’m going to share one now, of embracing the unknown… Kinda nervous to get it out there, but here we go!
I remember the heat. Stepping out of the run-down pickup truck, painted with scenes of Honolulu. The beach… yet being nowhere near what the chipped blue paint depicted. The beads of sweat were forming on my brow, but it wasn’t hot enough for them to take movement and free my face for the ground. There we stood, surrounded by dirt, trash, and beautiful sky. I thought to myself, ‘at least we haven’t yet destroyed the sky’. A goat ran past, then a few dogs, next came the noise. Another truck screechily stopped at the sight of my thumb, picked us up, and took us somewhere else- exactly the same. At the second drop off we found a small bungalow to rent for the night. Lighting, smoking, then dropping our last cigarettes*, we headed for the hole- infested hut. Nothing but the best…
We dropped our packs, locked the door, and headed for the restaurant. The heat still swallowing us whole. We were greeted by six dogs, lapping up whatever was left on that kitchen floor, and a cat- licking the freezer. I suppose it was her closest substitution for water. Suddenly we weren’t hungry any more. We looked at each other and backed away from the door. It was only then that we noticed the screams in the distant background. It wasn’t an alarming type of scream, but the passionate, World Cup, exciting type of scream. We followed the voices. We came across a small wooden table inhabited by an older man hunched over his opened beer. He grinned a toothless smile and sat up as soon as he saw us approaching. He started mumbling in Pilipino while swaying back and forth, his eyes never straying from mine. We each handed him 50 pesos after some gesturing and pointing, and entered through the metal doors. We had no idea what we had just paid for or what we were about to see.
Instantly we were surrounded by hundreds of men intently and competitively looking through glass walls into a ring containing two vicious cocks. My first cock fight. We were shoved to the front row, and encircled by toothless men and rings of smoke. Now, the sweat on my face was as free to fall as the losing cock. Money began to pass hands, screams were released and caught by all involved. Angry birds, blood infested feathers, sights of defeat, and smiles of victory came with each match. Fight until death. One bird after another, broken and defeated. The other, broken but alive. I found myself smiling, not at the scenes of death, but captivated by all the motion surrounding me. The noise, the smells, the smiles, and the sighs. Money flew from one side to the other, exchanging hands. And, us, sitting among it all- vastly out of place yet overwhelmingly welcomed. I was handed a cigarette which I began to smoke. I pulled a small wad of money from my pocket and began screaming and pointing at, what I thought, would be the winning bird. I was watching the every lunge of each bird until my bird was the only one left standing. All of a sudden people were patting my back in congratulations and sweat saturated bills were being thrust into my hands. I won. Two new birds, and this time came a cold beer. I bet again. Those in the crowd laughed and followed my lead. More blood this time, until my bird fell dead with a snap of the neck. I cursed and handed over my bets to those around. Again and again we bet, money moving back and forth. Until suddenly it was over.
It ended as quickly as I had been thrust into it. Within minutes we were back by the dirt road, and everyone had vanished. I still don’t know where everyone went so quickly. We walked back to our place, stopping briefly at a roadside bar for a beer. The warm breeze slowly began to dry my face and shirt, while my hand was enjoying the cold of the beer. We sipped out of our bottles while laughing at our surroundings. I began to wonder how I got to some of the places I did. How I ended up seeing the things I did. The world moved and I was always content to let it take me where it may. Cock fight, I thought… Okay.
Instantly we were surrounded by hundreds of men intently and competitively looking through glass walls into a ring containing two vicious cocks. My first cock fight. We were shoved to the front row, and encircled by toothless men and rings of smoke. Now, the sweat on my face was as free to fall as the losing cock. Money began to pass hands, screams were released and caught by all involved. Angry birds, blood infested feathers, sights of defeat, and smiles of victory came with each match. Fight until death. One bird after another, broken and defeated. The other, broken but alive. I found myself smiling, not at the scenes of death, but captivated by all the motion surrounding me. The noise, the smells, the smiles, and the sighs. Money flew from one side to the other, exchanging hands. And, us, sitting among it all- vastly out of place yet overwhelmingly welcomed. I was handed a cigarette which I began to smoke. I pulled a small wad of money from my pocket and began screaming and pointing at, what I thought, would be the winning bird. I was watching the every lunge of each bird until my bird was the only one left standing. All of a sudden people were patting my back in congratulations and sweat saturated bills were being thrust into my hands. I won. Two new birds, and this time came a cold beer. I bet again. Those in the crowd laughed and followed my lead. More blood this time, until my bird fell dead with a snap of the neck. I cursed and handed over my bets to those around. Again and again we bet, money moving back and forth. Until suddenly it was over.
It ended as quickly as I had been thrust into it. Within minutes we were back by the dirt road, and everyone had vanished. I still don’t know where everyone went so quickly. We walked back to our place, stopping briefly at a roadside bar for a beer. The warm breeze slowly began to dry my face and shirt, while my hand was enjoying the cold of the beer. We sipped out of our bottles while laughing at our surroundings. I began to wonder how I got to some of the places I did. How I ended up seeing the things I did. The world moved and I was always content to let it take me where it may. Cock fight, I thought… Okay.
The Philippines. January 2000
*Never been a smoker- don’t want people who might not know me very well to think that. Those of you who are smokers, including the person I was traveling with in this story- (QUIT!)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
NO! Not again....
Well, I got a phone call yesterday from the MRI people. Apparently they still didn't get the IV in correctly after 5 pokes and various multi-colored bruises! They told me I had to come back again on Thursday to re-do it all with a nurse there... Ummm, nurse there? What do they mean exactly? Who was giving me the MRI in the first place? It appears it wasn't a nurse, or anyone who knew how to put in an IV. The radiologist said she couldn't read the scans since the liquids never made it into my body! So, it's back to the hospital, yet again, for another ride on the Titanic! At least I won't be fooled by their offers to "listen" to music!
The genetic testing, on the other hand, was very efficient and interesting. First I met with a genetic counselor to discuss the various types of cancer found in my family's history. She had to know every family member on both sides who had ever been diagnosed with cancer. She needed to know their ages when diagnosed, the type of cancer, and if they were still living. She then explained what they would be looking for in my test and what it all means, which I'll get into later. As for the actual test, all I had to do was swoosh some Scope around in my mouth for one minute, three times in a row. Now, that might seem easy. But, I challenge anyone who might be reading this to go grab some Scope out of your cabinet. Take a swig and DON'T gargle, just move it back and forth from cheek to cheek for one minute. Watch the clock... If you do this you will realize the discomfort and burning associate with this menial task. If once isn't enough, try doing it three times in a row! Anyhow, after spitting each swig into a sterile tube, I was done. The tube was then shipped to Salt Lake City, the only place in all of the US who does this sort of genetic testing. Every test from every state, city, town, or village (are there villages in the US?) goes to the same lab in Utah.
Once they get my tube they will run a full genetic test of all of my chromosomes looking for a gene called BRCA1 or BRCA2. BRCA1 and BRCA2 can be found when there are common mutations in the genes that are known to increase the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. Since it's genetic, and if I have the gene, that would probably explain the reason I got this cancer so young. I hope this isn't the case though, because if it is, I'll probably lose both breasts... and eventually my ovaries. People who do test positive for this gene have such a high risk of getting cancer and/or having a recurrence. For example, for people without the gene there is a 7% chance of getting cancer in a lifetime. For the people with the gene there is a 50%- 85% chance of getting cancer in a lifetime. So, with all of these factors I had to do the testing before any type of surgery is determined. I'll know the results in about 10 days. Keep your fingers crossed for a negative result!
Now, my next step, is meeting with the plastic surgeon. (after my repeated MRI, that is). It looks like my surgery will be either February 7th or February 14th. I should know in the next few days. If it's the 14th, might not be my favorite Valentine's Day! :)
The genetic testing, on the other hand, was very efficient and interesting. First I met with a genetic counselor to discuss the various types of cancer found in my family's history. She had to know every family member on both sides who had ever been diagnosed with cancer. She needed to know their ages when diagnosed, the type of cancer, and if they were still living. She then explained what they would be looking for in my test and what it all means, which I'll get into later. As for the actual test, all I had to do was swoosh some Scope around in my mouth for one minute, three times in a row. Now, that might seem easy. But, I challenge anyone who might be reading this to go grab some Scope out of your cabinet. Take a swig and DON'T gargle, just move it back and forth from cheek to cheek for one minute. Watch the clock... If you do this you will realize the discomfort and burning associate with this menial task. If once isn't enough, try doing it three times in a row! Anyhow, after spitting each swig into a sterile tube, I was done. The tube was then shipped to Salt Lake City, the only place in all of the US who does this sort of genetic testing. Every test from every state, city, town, or village (are there villages in the US?) goes to the same lab in Utah.
Once they get my tube they will run a full genetic test of all of my chromosomes looking for a gene called BRCA1 or BRCA2. BRCA1 and BRCA2 can be found when there are common mutations in the genes that are known to increase the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. Since it's genetic, and if I have the gene, that would probably explain the reason I got this cancer so young. I hope this isn't the case though, because if it is, I'll probably lose both breasts... and eventually my ovaries. People who do test positive for this gene have such a high risk of getting cancer and/or having a recurrence. For example, for people without the gene there is a 7% chance of getting cancer in a lifetime. For the people with the gene there is a 50%- 85% chance of getting cancer in a lifetime. So, with all of these factors I had to do the testing before any type of surgery is determined. I'll know the results in about 10 days. Keep your fingers crossed for a negative result!
Now, my next step, is meeting with the plastic surgeon. (after my repeated MRI, that is). It looks like my surgery will be either February 7th or February 14th. I should know in the next few days. If it's the 14th, might not be my favorite Valentine's Day! :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A NAP? Really?
This morning I had my MRI. Yep, bright and early on a Saturday morning, isn't that what everyone wants to do? I have learned a few things about what having an MRI entails. 1. it's loud 2. it's snug 3. it's too long
The worst part about the whole thing was that the nurses could NOT find a good vein to get the IV inside me. They needled me 5 times. I was covered in white cotton balls! I had one on both hands, in the upper wrist and 2 at the bend in my arm. Two different nurses tried until they finally gave up and sent for an ER nurse. I was about to call in some of my own friends in the medical field! Finally the ER nurse came down and took the needle, and boom, everything was fine. I'm busied all over, but found the whole thing to be somewhat funny! How could getting an IV be more painful than my biopsy? Who knows, but it was!
The BEST and most humorous part of getting an MRI is the fact the nurses pretended I was going to listen to music. They gave me a choice of various styles of music and placed the headphones over my ears. As I was being placed into the long tube- quite, relaxing music was singing in my ears. Ahhh, I though, this won't be so bad. A nurse voice cut through the music and told me I was about to hear a loud sound, and then it began. Two huge bangs, which I assumed was the loud sound, started the process. Then came what sounded like a machine gun going off- for about 5 minutes. Next came the pounding, as if someone were violently pounding on the door. That went on for about another 5 minutes... MUSIC? Ummm, can't hear any music, just the drumming, pounding, and simulated machine gun sounds going on all around me. The next loud and obnoxious sound was that of a blow horn. If you saw any Wold Cup soccer games this past summer, you know what I'm saying. Just pretend it was placed right at your ear, while your listening to music, of course. Next the car alarm, then back to the banging on the door, then I lost track. The whole 'music' thing made me think of the movie Titanic. I remember there were 3 men playing string instruments out on the deck as the boat was sinking. People and chaos abound, yet the music was there in the background. It didn't do anything to calm anyone or stop the chaos, but it was there. That was exactly what having an MRI is. So, don't be fooled when they ask you if you want to listen to music!
The weirdest part is that one of my friends told me yesterday that I should just take a nap during my MRI. A nap, really?
The worst part about the whole thing was that the nurses could NOT find a good vein to get the IV inside me. They needled me 5 times. I was covered in white cotton balls! I had one on both hands, in the upper wrist and 2 at the bend in my arm. Two different nurses tried until they finally gave up and sent for an ER nurse. I was about to call in some of my own friends in the medical field! Finally the ER nurse came down and took the needle, and boom, everything was fine. I'm busied all over, but found the whole thing to be somewhat funny! How could getting an IV be more painful than my biopsy? Who knows, but it was!
The BEST and most humorous part of getting an MRI is the fact the nurses pretended I was going to listen to music. They gave me a choice of various styles of music and placed the headphones over my ears. As I was being placed into the long tube- quite, relaxing music was singing in my ears. Ahhh, I though, this won't be so bad. A nurse voice cut through the music and told me I was about to hear a loud sound, and then it began. Two huge bangs, which I assumed was the loud sound, started the process. Then came what sounded like a machine gun going off- for about 5 minutes. Next came the pounding, as if someone were violently pounding on the door. That went on for about another 5 minutes... MUSIC? Ummm, can't hear any music, just the drumming, pounding, and simulated machine gun sounds going on all around me. The next loud and obnoxious sound was that of a blow horn. If you saw any Wold Cup soccer games this past summer, you know what I'm saying. Just pretend it was placed right at your ear, while your listening to music, of course. Next the car alarm, then back to the banging on the door, then I lost track. The whole 'music' thing made me think of the movie Titanic. I remember there were 3 men playing string instruments out on the deck as the boat was sinking. People and chaos abound, yet the music was there in the background. It didn't do anything to calm anyone or stop the chaos, but it was there. That was exactly what having an MRI is. So, don't be fooled when they ask you if you want to listen to music!
The weirdest part is that one of my friends told me yesterday that I should just take a nap during my MRI. A nap, really?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Overwhelmed by the LOVE
I sent a few e-mail out today about my situation and the response was overwhelming. I just have to say how very, very fortunate I am to have such a loving, wonderful family and friends. I can't thank you all enough for the phone calls, e-mails, and offers to help. And the time will come where I will take you up on those offers! :)
I spent two hours tonight with my doctor and we went though everything very thoroughly, so I feel confident yet overloaded. The information just kept coming and coming, and although I have a long road ahead of me, I am confident of the outcome! I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma- level 2. The level is not the stage, it's the grade of "ugliness" or seriousness of the tumor. Level 3 is the worst, so it's actually GOOD news that I am only at a Level 2! The doctor said, I have a tumor which would be found in a 61 year-old woman. The problem is... I'm only 37. So, I do have to be aggressive in my treatment. The tumor is still being tested further to further nail down what variations the cancer has and what other types of treatment I might need, but that information will come later, when I know more.
I will be having a radical mastectomy of the left breast and reconstruction in about 3 weeks. First I must get an MRI to make sure nothing has spread to my lymph nodes. I also will be getting some genetic testing to see if that information might change my treatments. All of this testing will be happening on Monday. I'll know the results of the MRI in about three days and the results of the genetic testing in about three weeks.
As of now, the surgery will take place probably mid February. I will have to be out of work for about three weeks, which will be the hardest for me. So, that's when I'll be cashing in the offers for help and for visitors! :) Chemotherapy will start in mid to late March, after my body has healed and I'm strong enough to take it on. So, hold on to those scarves and hat until then!
So, I'm actually happy I have a few weeks to get stuff together for school and to have some free time to DRINK, eat and be merry catching up with everyone. I still have to talk to my school and my students, which will be difficult, but nothing is impossible!
I'm in good spirits and all of your love coming my way has helped! Thanks again! I'll be updating this blog all of the time as information comes in, so read as you may. Thanks again everyone!
Much love....
I spent two hours tonight with my doctor and we went though everything very thoroughly, so I feel confident yet overloaded. The information just kept coming and coming, and although I have a long road ahead of me, I am confident of the outcome! I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma- level 2. The level is not the stage, it's the grade of "ugliness" or seriousness of the tumor. Level 3 is the worst, so it's actually GOOD news that I am only at a Level 2! The doctor said, I have a tumor which would be found in a 61 year-old woman. The problem is... I'm only 37. So, I do have to be aggressive in my treatment. The tumor is still being tested further to further nail down what variations the cancer has and what other types of treatment I might need, but that information will come later, when I know more.
I will be having a radical mastectomy of the left breast and reconstruction in about 3 weeks. First I must get an MRI to make sure nothing has spread to my lymph nodes. I also will be getting some genetic testing to see if that information might change my treatments. All of this testing will be happening on Monday. I'll know the results of the MRI in about three days and the results of the genetic testing in about three weeks.
As of now, the surgery will take place probably mid February. I will have to be out of work for about three weeks, which will be the hardest for me. So, that's when I'll be cashing in the offers for help and for visitors! :) Chemotherapy will start in mid to late March, after my body has healed and I'm strong enough to take it on. So, hold on to those scarves and hat until then!
So, I'm actually happy I have a few weeks to get stuff together for school and to have some free time to DRINK, eat and be merry catching up with everyone. I still have to talk to my school and my students, which will be difficult, but nothing is impossible!
I'm in good spirits and all of your love coming my way has helped! Thanks again! I'll be updating this blog all of the time as information comes in, so read as you may. Thanks again everyone!
Much love....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Snow
So, give my mom credit! The hotel thing was a great idea. The roads were terrible and just the mile drive to the hospital was very slippery. But, we got there, and got home okay. To top it all off, in a good way, we have had two snow days! I didn't have to call in sick for work at all, which is great since I have a feeling I'll be calling in a lot this semester.
I had a core biopsy, and the radiologist said he got some good samples. They really numbed everything up so I didn't feel a thing until the meds wore off, and it still wasn't too bad. So, back to the waiting game. It could be anytime now, really. I'm ready to have some concrete information so I can move on from this spot...
Through all of this I have been reading some of my old travel journals. I stumbled upon something I wrote while I was living in Costa Rica 14 years ago that still holds true to how I think. I'm going to share it:
To me, we are alive to learn as much as we can in the time we have. We are to learn about ourselves, others, and the world we live in. We are here to have and to accomplish dreams, we are here to fail, to love, to hurt, and to be hurt. We are here to desire and to be desired. We are here to accept and to deny. We are here to find balance in ourselves and in what we do. We are here to live, I mean really live. To take chances and to not be afraid of what those chances may bring. If we don't we will never learn. And education is what makes us be and what makes us wise. Never stop learning because learning equals life.
I had a core biopsy, and the radiologist said he got some good samples. They really numbed everything up so I didn't feel a thing until the meds wore off, and it still wasn't too bad. So, back to the waiting game. It could be anytime now, really. I'm ready to have some concrete information so I can move on from this spot...
Through all of this I have been reading some of my old travel journals. I stumbled upon something I wrote while I was living in Costa Rica 14 years ago that still holds true to how I think. I'm going to share it:
To me, we are alive to learn as much as we can in the time we have. We are to learn about ourselves, others, and the world we live in. We are here to have and to accomplish dreams, we are here to fail, to love, to hurt, and to be hurt. We are here to desire and to be desired. We are here to accept and to deny. We are here to find balance in ourselves and in what we do. We are here to live, I mean really live. To take chances and to not be afraid of what those chances may bring. If we don't we will never learn. And education is what makes us be and what makes us wise. Never stop learning because learning equals life.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Hotel
I'm sitting in a plush hotel about a mile from the hospital where I'm having my biopsy tomorrow. A hotel you may ask? Why would I need to stay in a hotel? SNOW. We are supposed to have lots of snow, and my mom was worried we would be stranded among piles of snow causing us to miss my appointment. I guess that tells you who is tired of waiting and ready for something...
Although earlier I said the hard part was the waiting, I'm actually happy I have had this time. I feel strong and very ready to face the inevitable. I have been able to process everything and have come to the point of acceptance. So, time is good. Not something to fear or panic, just something to allow acceptance and store up strength.
Tonight I had dinner with some of my best friends from high school. As we finished dinner and moved into the living room to finish our glass of wine, my friend's oldest son yelled at the top of his lungs from the basement, "I NEED TO POOP!" Immediately dad jumped up and tended to the situation. If only we could all just yell out our needs in this liberating way. :)
Although earlier I said the hard part was the waiting, I'm actually happy I have had this time. I feel strong and very ready to face the inevitable. I have been able to process everything and have come to the point of acceptance. So, time is good. Not something to fear or panic, just something to allow acceptance and store up strength.
Tonight I had dinner with some of my best friends from high school. As we finished dinner and moved into the living room to finish our glass of wine, my friend's oldest son yelled at the top of his lungs from the basement, "I NEED TO POOP!" Immediately dad jumped up and tended to the situation. If only we could all just yell out our needs in this liberating way. :)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Rock
I think it all began about 17 years ago as I was about to embark on my year long study abroad in Costa Rica, or maybe it was just after I graduated from college and was packing my bags to, yet again, leave the country for an undisclosed amount of time.... But whenever it was, the day I got the rock, it became a symbol. A symbol of safety, a symbol of protection, and a symbol of the unspoken depth of our friendship. I remember my friend coming over, handing me a glassy, oval, white and purple rock. She told me to keep it with me as I traveled the globe as a sign of protection. It had helped her though some rough times and she was ready to pass it onto me. I carried that rock in my money belt- the entire 1 1/2 years that I was traveling around Latin America. Each time I saw it, I smiled and remembered all that I had here at home. It was, in fact, my grounding rock. When I returned home from my adventures, it was my friend who was leaving on one of hers. She was off for a year to study in some foreign place, and right before she left, I handed her back the rock. Just a smile, that rock spoke louder than any words. A few years later and I was off to Thailand for two years, and low and behold, I had the nice shiny rock returned to me. Another smile. I held onto it for a while. That is, until my friend had her first child. I held out my hand, and this time we just looked at each other and laughed...
Over Christmas I confided in my friend and told her about my situation. We discussed it for a while, and I felt comfort knowing I could tell her anything. Last Thursday, I returned home from school to find a green gift bag on my front door nob. I peered inside and saw the rock. I smiled.....
Over Christmas I confided in my friend and told her about my situation. We discussed it for a while, and I felt comfort knowing I could tell her anything. Last Thursday, I returned home from school to find a green gift bag on my front door nob. I peered inside and saw the rock. I smiled.....
Thursday, January 6, 2011
For real?
So, this is the waiting time. I'm 37- I mean, just 37, within the last two weeks- and supposedly I'm about to be diagnosed with breast cancer... At least that has been what all of the doctors are saying. But, we won't know for sure until the Biopsy. I'm hoping this blog will never surface, never live, because if I find out in one week's time that I'm cancer free, no need for a cancer blog! But, if anyone other than me is reading this, well, the news didn't go so well, and I'm on a quest to fight (and have fun while doing it!)
Nothing worse than waiting, right. As I type this my dog is pacing to and fro just waiting for a slight indication I'm ready to take her for a walk. She is in torment, waiting, watching my fingers, wondering what is taking me so long. I'm not quite pacing, as no news is good news, or ignorance is bliss, but I am wondering... to say the least
But, enough about me for a minute. Yesterday, in my Freshmen English class, I had a lesson introducing the next novel we will read in class- Lord of the Flies. My question to my students- if you knew you were going to be on a deserted island for an unlimited amount of time and you could bring 10 things, what would you bring? My most colorful answers were as follows: (oh and listed on top as most needed)
1. weave (as in a black woman's weave)
2. blow up bed
3. radio (as in to listen to music, NOT as in request help)
4. bug spray
5. swimming suit
6. toilet paper
7. ziplock bags
I did get a few who mentioned a knife or a tent. At least, if I am sick, I'll have the resources I'll need. I'll be interested to see what my students will think I'll need to survive! This could be good!
Nothing worse than waiting, right. As I type this my dog is pacing to and fro just waiting for a slight indication I'm ready to take her for a walk. She is in torment, waiting, watching my fingers, wondering what is taking me so long. I'm not quite pacing, as no news is good news, or ignorance is bliss, but I am wondering... to say the least
But, enough about me for a minute. Yesterday, in my Freshmen English class, I had a lesson introducing the next novel we will read in class- Lord of the Flies. My question to my students- if you knew you were going to be on a deserted island for an unlimited amount of time and you could bring 10 things, what would you bring? My most colorful answers were as follows: (oh and listed on top as most needed)
1. weave (as in a black woman's weave)
2. blow up bed
3. radio (as in to listen to music, NOT as in request help)
4. bug spray
5. swimming suit
6. toilet paper
7. ziplock bags
I did get a few who mentioned a knife or a tent. At least, if I am sick, I'll have the resources I'll need. I'll be interested to see what my students will think I'll need to survive! This could be good!
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